A former colleague of mine used to come in all bright-eyed with ideas and solutions she had thought of while getting ready for work that morning. Our team called these “shower moments”. Today I had a shower moment and felt compelled to share…
This picture was taken on my 30th birthday and it depicts exactly where I was at the time. Finally optimistic about life, I carried this light about me – excited for the future, ready for adventure, and determined to make it the best year yet. It was the year we went to Vegas to kick off my big milestone birthday. It was the year I became a fitness instructor (I hardly consider myself one by the way… but this bucket list item became a fun hobby outside of work). It was the year I started a new job and traveled. It was the year we celebrated bach parties and nuptials with close friends. And it was the year we embarked on a pretty amazing pregnancy.
Year 30 was unforgettable and I approached it with excitement. During a convo with my mom I can even recall saying, “Mom, it feels like the sun has finally peered out from behind the clouds. Things have been so difficult for so long, but now we can all breathe and enjoy life.” I finally believed in life again and it was blissful. To say the least, losing Everett felt like someone came along and blew out the candle. The light I had was completely overcome by darkness, an unwelcome presence that I feared might linger forever. I began to wistfully pour over pictures from the previous year, longing to laugh and smile like I once had. I ached for that genuine happiness that had finally cast a beautiful glimmer on my life. And until recently, my outlook had changed for the worst. But my husband and I made a conscious choice to ride out the darkness and trust that the light would show itself eventually.
And now for the “shower moment”… As one might imagine, the aforementioned conscious choice we made has been much easier said than done. For a while I tried reverting to my previous self. The one in those pictures that was blissfully (some might say naively) optimistic about the world. However, nothing can undo what we have experienced. Nothing can change my new perspective, which is that life will throw things your way whether you’re ready for it or not. Nothing can reassure me that life will not include more loss, trauma, hardship, or anything other challenges. It’s LIFE!
As a result, I believe that reverting would truly be neglectful. Rather, I have decided to construct a new “me” with an outlook that values the lessons we learned and considers the ebs and flows of life. And while I’ll never forget the storm was here and I’ll always know it can come back, I will not live in fear of it. I can smile once again and I can be authentically happy, but I’ll do so with more humility, awareness and appreciation than ever. Creating this new version of myself is critical to this process of moving forward. Here’s to a new journey…
with lovE, Skyler
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson